It began simply enough. Winston crapped on my carpet. He's been on my "hit" list for the last couple of days. But I was up all night with an intestinal virus. My legs were weak and I hurt. I was tired so I let it ride. Quite honestly? I simply didn't have the energy to toss him into puppy prison. That will teach me.
time check 6:20am
I went about my morning and woke the kids for their day. Ben was puttering around and stalling. Maddie was ignoring me and burrowing under the 843 blankets she inSISTS on keeping on her bed (she can hardly move there are so many!). I encouraged them gently with back rubs and wet, silly, tooty noises on their cheeks. I did this twice. What's the rule in my house? I thank the peanut gallery: Never get to three. I flipped on the lights, stripped their beds and began to sing as loudly and off key as I could. They moved. Everyone's motor was a-running. I sauntered down the hall to finish up.
When I was ready, I walked by the kids' bathroom and saw Boo changing clothes-- again.
"Sup?" I asked but an odor tickled my nose and gave it away. I was sadly all too familiar with it. He had done something I have warned my kids not to EVER do. He trusted a fart and promptly "sharted" sooooo I helped him get cleaned up.
time check 7:15am
My hands were scaling because I had washed them no less than forty-eight times in the last.. Ohhhh two hours? My knuckles were burning. My nose was tingling at the scent of poo combined with a "hint" industrial cleanser and a "tap" of air freshener. I confess, I usually prefer a dab of "Pleasures" or "5th Avenue" behind my ears and along my wrists but it was not to be. Not today anyway.
time check 7:45am
We did our daily dash. This is always fun. No matter what time I get them up, we are reduced to running for the coat closet, pushing and shoving for jackets and then tripping one another with book bags, lunch boxes and recess toys. We speed walk/run in a race to beat one another to the bus stop. I cheat by the way. I drive. I'm truly amazed that I have not had to pick up teeth off the sidewalk as the kids blow full tilt to the corner in an effort to beat me. JINX!
So while waiting, we played catch or tag or something to make everyone REALLY sweaty and tired before the bus came. And finally, the big yellow whale arrived to swallow my kids. I drove off to work singing with the CD. I am always proud of how much I sound like the artist when the volume is up.
time check 8:20am
I walked in the door to the office, said good morning to my favorite office gal-pals and headed back to my office. The phone rang. I was paged. It was the school nurse. "Ohhhhh NOOOOO!" I thought to myself. I envisioned barf and fever and dripping pink eye... but no. My daughter stepped in dog poo. They wanted to know if there was a neighbor or someone who could bring a fresh change of clothes. She was stinky.
"No. There is no one. I will go home and get her a change. I'll be there shortly."
"Did you want to speak with her?"
No I didn't. She stepped in poop. She didn't lose a digit nor was she bleeding from an orifice.
"Surrrre" I smiled tightly.
"Mommy?" She asked in her smallest voice.
"Poop, huh?" I said.
"Yeah."
"Where?"
"All down my leg and all over my Ugs. I smell HORRIBLE!"
"Well, what'd you do? SWIM in it? How'd you get it down your leg? That was some big dog! "
"I don't KNOW."
"Okay. I'm coming. Sit tight."
"Mom?"
"Yes?"
"Could you make sure it matches? All my clothes? They match?"
I really thought about it....the white shoes with the purple toe-socks and black pants with the pretty green shirt she had on....
"Yes, Bunny. We'll do."
time check 8:30am
I walked back down the hall and drove home. I picked out clothes and shoes and drove to school. I had to ring the bell, state my purpose, sign in, give DNA, recite the Ten Commandments and Pledge of Allegiance complete with "One nation, under God"... then took the two steps to where my daughter sat in a pair of poopy pants... It looked like she had tried to steal home plate during the series.
"Wow." I said and I begin to smile and bite my lip at the same time. I had a rush of odor smack my face. "PEW!"
"Yeah." she giggled.
"You stink."
"Thanks"
I opened the bag and pulled the clothes out...I couldn't resist:"OH NO!" and my eyes flew open wide, my jaw dropped.
"WHAT?" she wailed
"I brought BEN"S clothes!" and I shut the bag as if it contained a thousand man-eating crickets.
"MOOOOOOMMMMYYYY!" and the tears sprung into her eyes.
"Jes kiddin. Here." and I helped her get changed.
"You stink" she chuffed.
"Nooooo. YOU do."
I watched her jog off to class clean and oh-so-fresh. I, on the other hand was left holding the bag.
"Thanks Mommy. I love you." she tossed back.
"You too." and I left. I drove to work with the offensive duds in my trunk. I opened the door, got beyond the deja-vu and ventured in to my office.
"How're you?" I asked my friend.
"Sh*tty. My day has started out sh*tty." was the reply.
I cocked my head and smiled.
Fool.
time check 9:10am
Potty humor isn't usually my thing, but it was just an unbelievable morning. Thanks for stopping by. I'm always glad for a visit. Can I get you some toilet paper before you go?
