I took my daughter to no fewer than five stores to find some very specific school supplies and locker decorations; the more important being the latter.
We had arrived early to one location and since we only had about five minutes to wait, I put the windows down and we chatted. Maddie talked about school and the stresses of the current economic situation. It was light and breezy.
And in it came. A hornet. What ever Maddie was saying dissipated like fog. I was being choked by the vision and sound of this God forsaken evil beast. Terror crept into my nerves and froze my muscles. I could only stare.
"Mommy." She whispered.
"I know Maddie, I see it." my mouth was full of panic; dry and itchy.
Then it landed on my leg. Sweet Christmas! Why didn't it just fly right on through??? It lingered, flicking its abdomen and cleaning itself. Fabulous. It likes me. Now it wants to be pals?!
"Want me to smack it?" she asked.
My eyes tried to fall out. "Hell NO---I mean. NO Maddie. Leave it."
" I could flick it off."
This I thought about, but my first instinct would be to jump from the car much like I had from Frye's Leap in Maine and since there were other people in the parking lot, I felt the need to stay in some semblance of control.
I breathed deeply through my nose but the fear echoed in the back of my throat so I sounded like a wounded clarinet. As I exhaled I would tell myself "It's alriiiiiiiight" but since the damn thing wouldn't leave, it was not alright and my body twitched to indicate it knew I was lying.
"Sure it isn't a sweat bee Mommy?"
"What?" I looked at her as if she had rocks in her mouth.
"Your leg is sweaty."
"Baby, I'm so scared right now, my BUTT is sweaty. I want to cry Maddie but I'm even too afraid to do that."
It cleaned its antennae again. C'mon C'MON hurry it up. Whatever is stuck up there can't be that friggin tasty. It started its motor hovering around my face. I shut my eyes and forced myself not to scream. I felt its "wind breath" against my nose and saw a horrible accident where my eyes would end up swollen shut and my nose would resemble rotting cauliflower. I shook and held my breath.
"eehhhhhh" I wheezed pushing myself as far into the seat as possible.
I know it was giggling and pointing at me. It's my Karma.
It flew away and when I lost sight of that horrific little black and yellow bead, I jumped from the car and speed-walked to the sidewalk. My hair clung to my forehead and my lips were tingling. I stopped at the door and rested my hands on my knees gasping for air as if I'd just run the Boston.
"Mommy?" her voice was far away. Of course, she was still in the car. That stinging monster could have signaled forty of his friends and I left her there. Mommy of the Month...here I come to accept my award. "I'd like to thank..." I can only imagine what that insightful Kayne would have to say about me...
"Do you want your keys and purse and should I close the windows and turn the car off?"
"uhhh Yeah. Better do that. Do you see any others."
"Nope." She came up and handed me my gear, taking my hand.
"Mommy?"
"Yes?" I sighed with one little trickle sneaking down my cheek. Quickly I swiped at it.
"He's on the back of your..."
"HOLY SHIT GET IT OFF! AHHHHHHHHH" I screeched and ran into the store swinging my purse over my head and behind me. I looked like an angry Silverback gorilla.
She laughed so hard she cried. I stood there sheepishly.
"Are you alright Miss?" the clerk asked. My face turned DEEEEEP red.
"Yes, there was a bee on her back." My daughter piped up. "But it's gone now."
I glared at her. She folded her lips into her mouth fighting more laughter.
"NOT funny." I said angrily.
"It was."
"No."
"Okay. I'm very sorry. You should have seen your face."
I stayed silent.
"Mom?"
I looked over.
"It was a LITTLE funny?"
I shook my head. "You wait. Game on."
It was her turn to shake her head. "I don't wanna.... Daddy says that you...."
"I'll wait."
"I love you Mom."
"Yep. Back atcha Bunny."
"I'm sorry. I said that right?"
Oh she did. And I admit (as I did to her on the way home) that it WAS funny.
But game on.
