FORGIVING
I stood on the platform and watched as people got on and off. Some were whistling, others scowling, mad at the world. I felt nothing but hollow. I looked up. The sky was grey-looked like snow. Alan loved snow. We used to hold hands and walk in it, catch it on our tongues. The wind swirled through the terminal kicking up litter and destroying my gentle memory. Figures. I wasn’t even good enough for that. Tears slid down my cheeks. My chest tightened with the now familiar pain of devastating heart-breaking loss.
Alan did it. He looked me dead in the face and broke my heart. This man I adored. The man I wanted to grow old with, love forever, and spend a lifetime knowing lied to me. He told me he loved me. I remember the moment. There was an intense heat as I heard the words. I thought I’d misheard him. My smile was ear to ear and reached into my soul. I was truly happy, wanting to shout it to the world until my breath was gone. But he didn’t. He used me. He was careless and cruel.
Me? I was a fool. I believed in him; as a friend, a lover, a man. I was intoxicated by his voice. The thought of his touch made me weak inside. I treasured his smile, his laughter, even the smell of him. I gave him everything I was because he asked me to. He’d said he needed me. And? I believed.
But it was never true; not from his perspective. He said what he had to in order to get what he wanted; a lover, a pal. I know now because I caught him. I sat at a bar one night waiting for a friend and heard his laugh. I saw him caressing another woman, kissing, whispering. She giggled like I did. I knew in an instant what she was feeling: like she was the only and most beautiful woman in the room…in the world.
He’d turned so ugly, mocking and cowardly. The man I’d found warm, loving and gentle was now curt, indifferent and cold; looking at me with disdain and contempt. He’d found someone else; someone better he said. The most painful part was that it didn’t occur gradually. We didn’t drift apart. I caught him, left the restaurant and asked him on our date the following night. Suddenly, I was the enemy; attacking and childishly demanding a truth my heart could not possibly comprehend.
The train wailed from up the tracks yanking my mind back to the terminal. My tears came faster. I got up, noticing the platform was almost deserted. The engine cried for me, loping along; slow and morose. It knew and understood how broken I was. What he’d done to me. How my heart ached and could never mend. It waltzed up the track and asked me to dance. My soul grimaced and felt dark. Loneliness wasn’t the only baggage I carried, on a grander scale, hopelessness. How could I find another? Who would want me after all the nasty things he’d said I was? The train consoled me. Its brakes hissed bitterly, feeling my pain, and welcoming me aboard. I stepped off. There was heaviness against my body. I barely remember that all my limbs moved independently. I flew apart: my flesh, my mind, my heart all shattered completely. Then there was no more pain. Alan couldn’t hurt me anymore. In the darkness, I experienced a voice, gentle but deafening.
“Poor choice.” it said to me.
“I had none.”
“That you wanted to see.”
“You don’t understand.”
“No?”
“I can’t explain it.”
“You don’t want to.”
“I don’t HAVE to.”
“You don’t need to.”
I sighed. Who was I to argue with God?
“You can’t come further.” The voice said.
“Why not?” I was almost indignant. Was I being rejected even by our Lord and Father?
“You made the wrong choice.” The voice sounded tired.
“Can’t you forgive? We all make mistakes~ poor choices.”
“It’s the flaw of the free will I gave to you. And yes, I forgive.”
“Hitler?”
“He’s serving a penance more serious than you could ever fathom, but that’s not your concern right now.”
“Madoff?”
“Yes. I was one of the few non-investors.”
“David Caruso?”
“Well, because of the theme song and the shades, it’s a…let’s say “Saving Grace.” I love The Who."
I laughed. “I like you.”
“I like you too. It’s a shame no one will hear that laugh again. It was great. Why have you done this?”
“He destroyed me and laughed at me. All I did was love him. Now he’s gone and I have nothing left.” “If you have nothing, it’s a fresh start.”
“But I have nothing left of myself to begin again with.”
“Nothing but the knowledge of what you never want again. That permits only success.”
“I tried my best. I gave everything and never asked. I wanted him to love me. I believed in him and he left me…anyway.” I was wailing childishly. The pain inside was burning. Alan was destroying me even in my afterlife. “Can’t I move on?" I pouted.
“You cannot.”
“I’m going to Hell?”
“No. You may correct your mistake. Make the right choice.”
“ A do-over?”
It was His turn to laugh. “Of sorts.”
“Okay.”
“Sure?”
“Yes. I’m sure.”
There was a freezing gust that sucked at me like a bank tube, yet I felt warm “inside” as my body came “together.” I opened my eyes to see the terminal. The day was different. There were blue jays and squirrels. Little sparrows pecked at stale French fries. There was rain. I’d been talking to God a long time. The train seemed to shout that it was happy to see me again.
I noticed Alan right away; beautiful as ever, standing at the edge of the platform staring across the tracks seeing forever and nothing at the same time. I remembered that look, felt it on my own face. A child and her mom approached. I moved quickly out of their way.
“Excuse me.” But they kept going. I looked around. “EXCUSE ME.” I said louder, but no one reacted. I realized no one had heard me. I approached the beautiful disaster of a man on the edge.
At first there was love; seeing him again. I breathed deeply capturing and relishing his soapy sweet smell. My body instantly reacting to the mere thought of his touch. But this gave way quickly to the hurt and rejection as I remembered how he'd crushed my very spirit so effortlessly. My heart began to kick in my chest. My head swam. I ground my teeth until I thought they’d crush to powder, hating what he’d done and said; the man he WAS versus the one he’d portrayed. I felt disgust and loathing. I wanted revenge. My body tingled happily at the thought of misery and regret seeping into his soul like a mold; ravaging and ruining all good things for him until his life became a wretched, stinking catastrophe. Better still, I fancied taking everything from him. I cupped my mouth to stifle a joyous squeal. But no one could hear me so I laughed and clapped until my face felt tight and tired.
The train approached.
“GET-HIM-GOOD-GET-HIM-GOOD” it clacked rhythmically. I stepped up next to him and rested my hand on his shoulder. One push and he’d be left with nothing; the same nothing he’d given to me. Oh I could taste the sweetness. A tear spilled over and snuck down his cheek.
“Don’t believe this. He's a liar; a fake.” I warned myself. “Keep with the plan. It’s a good one.”
The train lurched closer, its engine almost grinning and hungry.
“I’m sorry.” He said to no one.
No one but me.
I felt his remorse and guilt, self pity and frustration. I also felt him step toward the train.
“Don’t.” I said with all the love I wanted to share with him. Then I cried for him not over him. I leaned in and kissed him sort of; seeing a much different man and feeling like a much better woman, realizing it wasn’t that he felt I wasn’t the perfect woman for him but the fact that I was.
“I forgive.” I whispered, but to whom? Alan or me?
“Nicely done.” I heard. “The correct choice.”
“I can move on?”
“You will when it’s time. You don’t get here in one shot, Kiddo. You have some other cracked panes in the window of your soul.”
“I’m sorry.” I mumbled sheepishly.
“I know. I forgive.”
I felt my eternity stretch out in front of me, welcoming me to a different and better path.
For my friend and all the talks we've had. This is a different kind of love story; one I hope you could treasure as I do you. Better days, my dear. And here's to sharing them. I love you.
Tess
