Here's a quick Tessa-quiz. What chore do I DESPISE doing? Exactly; grocery shopping. I loathe it. If you've been visiting for any length of time, I have plenty of posts about it. It is my Hell on Earth.
Today, however, I loved it. I laughed and smiled so cheerfully that my cheeks are a wee bit sore. Noooo nobody fell down (that was LAST week. Don't worry. I asked her if she was all right before I giggled and pointed. I'm good like that.) No, this was WAYYYYY better:
Today is Thursday and by the local weather men's accounts we are going to get crushed by more snow. The predictions range from three to eighteen inches. That's pretty good for a precipitous commitment around these parts. As you can imagine, no one hears the inch possibility instead racing to the conclusion we will receive a "State of Emergency 3 FEET" which dominoes into the BEM (bread, eggs, milk) panic. You know what I mean. I can feel you nodding ever so slightly.
Since we are heading to Promises for the weekend, I HAD to stop, picking up our goodies for Friday's dinner and a few snicky-snacks. Pulling in, I noticed quite a few cars; more than usual for this time of day.
"It's okay" I soothed myself, taking some deep yoga breaths. I found my shopping "center" and ventured in.
Now, not only was I bombarded by delivery carts and hoards of BEM'ers; I realized they were resetting the store. Sure the little sign above your head read: Dressings, Condiments, Marinades but what's THERE?
Bread, Jelly and Olives.
I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth. My inner voice was screeching :
"TURN AND RUN! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! THIS ISN'T FOR YOU TO SEE! SAVE YOURSELF!"
but I cannot. I must...buy...suffer...for ...Promises.
I go backwards from my usual routine, beginning in the dairy aisle NOT produce. Why not? I could find myself actually going forward since Willy Wonka has decided to reorganize and the Ooompa Loompas are currently on break. I thank the coupon Gods for a short list. If there had been an aerial view of my shopping adventure, I can imagine I resembled a mouse in a maze:
gotta get cheese...here? Noooo that's where the pizza dough goes. Ok. Next turn- Oh hey! Here are some cereals mixed right in with the canned peas and sugar substitutes. THAT'S order if ever there was...next turn...YES! Buy one salsa get a box of Pop tarts free and here they are TOGETHER! What a baahhgain. And last but not least, here is the deli. Yes, I need lunch meat ooo and cheese. How handy.
The deli. Do you hear the Gun Smoke theme? (ooooEEEEOOOEEEoooooo wah wah wahhhhhhh)
My palms got a little sweaty as I focused on four women circling the barrels of specialty cheeses and pacing the cases hungrily. I sifted through them and took my number. Eleven. I checked the display: Nine. Not bad. I looked to see four deli-gnomes busily rushing, cutting, and wrapping. A couple more women came and took numbers. One deli-gnome went home. Another one headed out on break. That left two: Speedy and Ma-maw Martin. Now Speedy was working diligently, quickly and as efficiently as possible. Ma-maw? She walked as if her shoes were tied together and I seriously wondered if she understood English for as I watched her take orders, I noticed she touched all the meats, cheeses, or salads until she was told/shown it was the right one. Then she shuffled over to fire up the slicer. Did you know they have multiple speeds? The slicer, not Ma-maw. She only had one speed; cold molasses.
I sighed and waited. I'd come this far. I could do it. Speedy called ten. I prayed that the woman in front of me needed one item only. Out of nowhere another woman appeared. She paced the case and looked around. Sneaking to one end, she attempted to get Speedy's attention. No go. She slithered down to the other end, snapping her fingers at Ma-maw. When that failed, she glanced my way as if I were diseased and contagious, cocked her hip, snapping her gum, and stood directly in front of me. After her visible cloud of Brittney Spears' Curious perfume settled, it dawned on me.
She's gonna cut.
I bit my lip until I tasted warm copper. I wrinkled up my list. I stepped back a little because her over frosted (FROSTED!!) hair was flying at my face. I looked up. Ma-maw is slicing. Speedy is wrapping. Ohhhh folks this is gonna be a close one.
"Who's next?"
Toni The Tigress and her frosted flake stepped right up and began reading her list. She dared to look back at me grinding her gum so that I could actually see it pop. Pretty. I shrugged as I heard
"Eleven?"
"Hi. That's me. " I smiled at Speedy. Turning to Toni, I shrugged. The other women smirked. Justice served. As I pulled my cart away, I looked back at lil miss too important and heard:
"No. The next one. Down. Come down. DOWN. Do you know where DOWN is? OVER. THAAAAAT one. Jesus God. I just want my damn Genoa and cheese."
"Sorry Sweetie, cheese is in aisle four next to the pickles." I thought to myself, heading to the register.
I pulled in behind a man I recognized. I'm very good with faces and names but I noticed he was trying to remember me. I waited and when he finished, I stopped him, asking if he remembered me. We began a small catch up yip yap. It was great to see him. I enjoyed the twenty minutes or so that I spoke with him. Pulling away with my bags of stuff, I saw Toni rushing to the self check-out. She only had deli products in her hands. I kept walking. She rushed out and across the lot. I walked out and put my groceries in the trunk. I started down the aisle. Hearing a car horn I noticed Toni honking at a pedestrian crossing in the walk. She's flipping the bird and yakking on her phone. I wondered if she was popping her gum in that person's ear.
I got to pull out in front of her and just for "shiggles"?
I waved.
Have a DELI-cious weekend. I'll look forward to seeing you soon.
