New infant. Hours old. You don't want to sleep. You want to watch and make sure everything is perfect for them.
you can't.
The babies begin to toddle. You want to catch them, guard them, protect them every minute.
you can't. You must let them go and get bumped up a little.
They turn into kids and swing from tree branches of dizzying height squealing and laughing. You want to warn them, they MIGHT fall; get hurt. You want to fly up there and hold them or watch them ...just in case.
but you can't.
They arrive in the teens. They know EVERYTHING. They interrupt. They correct. They show off. They whine about hard work and hurt feelings and the injustices of childhood, school, and rules of any kind. You want to scream that they're still naive. They don't know jack.
but you can't.
When words are flung at you so carelessly and all you want to do is cry. They've cut you deeply, hurt your pride, or worse; broken your heart. But this isn't the time to be defensive, it isn't appropriate to match (the potential or create) a scene.
you can't.
And somehow it becomes your turn. People trample your feelings. They're mean, cruel and they hurt you. They laugh at what they perceive as weakness; the tears that come from not being able to hurt them back. But it's not in you.
you can't.
You call your friends, your family, your support in a sad panic. You want to tell them everything. You want to hear that you're great, you're fine and they love you. But EVERYONE has problems. Most are bigger than your bruised ego. They may need more than you right now. Why bother them with sad tales.
you can't.
So you watch yourself spin helplessly. You run in mud with a stupid grin on your face and you try harder with no satisfaction or self-recognition of all the wonderful jobs well done. You don't see how much you've accomplished, what you've given. You don't even see that you've helped someone.
you can't.
There comes a point when you just don't want to take another step. You're lost. No direction seems to provide improvement. You want to stop; to just give up.
you can't.
You watch happiness around you and reach for it. You grab at the kids' laughter. You hug a little tighter and truly listen with your heart. You're desperate. You want to fight for every tooth exposed in the first honest smile you've given in weeks. You surprise yourself with a chuckle or a laugh as someone accidentally throws a lifeline to you in the form of kind words or a simple joke. You realize you don't want to quit.
you can't.
And suddenly (or maybe not so) you begin to climb that hill again. You look around and realize that all along, help was there. It was in the form of "me too's" and "you can do it"'s. There are people running right next to you that are doing the exact same thing you've been doing; wandering: frightened, sad, lonely, angry. Somehow, there was connection, and quite innocently a friendship was created or rekindled and you now see: those that tried to hurt you, can't. And you ARE fine and beautiful from the inside out. You see it, feel it and it radiates from you. You can reach for someone who's shine is a little dull and "buff" them a little. It seems so clear now. You are okay, you will survive. You wish you could explain it.
you can't.
For all of you who've helped me pick up my messy basket. I thank you. I have so many beautiful life lines...know I will always be one for you.
Much love and always better days.
Contessa.
