For a new job, I needed a security clearance. In order receive it, I had to pass a test.
I go in to be fingerprinted, photographed and sent into a room with little peekie booths like you use to take your driving test. There were headsets and the video shown to you looks like those old science films produced by Kodak in the 50's. They shake in the screen and there are stray hairs jumping around. The gist of the film is all about your security clearance and the cardinal rules that go along with the privilege of having security clearance. Clear? Yep. and secure. I take the test although I confess at first I thought I'd pushed the wrong button and was taking the wrong test. This would lead to the WRONG security clearance. That would be like impersonating an officer and you could go to jail or pay heavy fines. I was sweaty. I hate tests. What if I spell my name wrong? What if my birth date gets botched up....ohhhhhh I worry. There are signs posted and they tell you if you fall asleep, you will be awakened once. The second time you're outta there. If you look away from the peekie thing, you are outta there. If you talk to anyone....you get the idea.
After about an hour I am informed that I passed and I will clear security for my security clearance. Did I mention this is a privilege? I know I certainly FEEL special; even a little hoity-toity. I leave the area and await my date for getting my entire security package assembly meeting. It was kind of like Men In Black but without Tommy Lee Jones...all the other weirdos were there though. TRUST ME. One was tossed out for sleeping, and the other was trying to cheat. Bad people.
I was contacted and informed it was time. I was all giddy. I've never had clearance to anything before. "NO! You cannot go in there! ....But IIIIII can!" It's trite. But I like it.
I arrived and went through the air locks and bullet proof waiting rooms to meet a man the size of a Yeti. His voice boomed and his eyes were razor sharp. He demanded to know my business. I squeaked my name and appointment time. He sneered, checked his computer and wanted my papers. My mind went blank. I couldn't remember where I'd put them. I ruffled and searched. My fingers tripped over each other. He chuffed and it sounded like a hurricane. "I have it I have it I have it..... HERE!" I all but jumped up and down yelling "Tah-DAH!" He was unimpressed. He ripped my papers apart with his eyes.
"Sit. I'll call." He grumped. I almost sat right on the floor but I made it to the chair and began to read the paper. I don't know when I realized it was upside down. I folded it and fidgeted.
A fiery red-head came out. I was the only one in the room. She called my name as if it were Madison Square Garden. I jumped up. My purse emptied. She told me to follow her and left. I shoved everything into my bag and ran like a three year old. I caught the hem of my pants on my heels, it tore. I kept after her hunched over still stuffing my bag, trapped by my shoe; I swear I looked like Igor. "Yesss Mastah....."
"Go over there" she barked. I went.
"Too far."
I stopped
"Back up."
This was worse than parallel parking.
"That's it."
I stood still; knees locked, arms down, fists, clenched. I was nervous. She sat down and began to sort through my papers.
"I don't need this." She handed me a gas receipt. '
"Sorry." I smiled. She looked over her glasses at me.
I stopped smiling.
For what seemed like an eternity, she grilled me on my facts. But in the end. She smiled. She handed me a badge with all my info on it. She drilled me again on the cardinal rules. These I can not tell you. You don't have clearance. You understand.
I got up and headed out. The Yeti looked up and nodded.
"Welcome" he snarled.
I couldn't help it I smiled back. "Thanks!" I chirped.
I had to use my new badge to get out. It cleared.
I walked away with my new power. It's like those Wonder Woman wrist bands or the lasso of truth. Beeow Beeow! I'll stop you! I have clearance and it's secure.
Silly I know. Indulge me.
It's the simple things in life that cause the most enjoyment.
