This is a long one, but I really like it. It came after some research into a murder that took place a few years ago down the street from us.Truth, never forget, is stranger than fiction.This one got to me...I should have known better. Enjoy it anyway.
NOT NOW
The room is less: colorless, windowless, emotionless, but that’s where they put guys like me. I’m tired. I’ve been here six hours. I rake my hands through my hair feeling its grease. My eyes are burning. I need sleep.
Baldy is tapping his pencil on a notebook: three taps and a twirl; three taps and a twirl. His meaty face is studying mine like a test. Go ahead Bud, you’ll get nothing. Not now.
“Just let us help you Mike.” He says. Tap and twirl. Like a majorette. Queer.
“Then let me go to sleep.” I whine and cradle my head in my hands.
Baldy flops back in his seat. I guess that’s a no. He smiles thinly. Nora used to smile like that. Like she knew better than me; condescending bitch. There is a knock at the door and he leaves me alone. What a racket. He wants me to sit and think about what I’ve done…I‘ll feel bad, cry and confess. Sorry Ladies. Not now.
But as I sit here, I remember when it was different; good. Me and Nora, we did everything together and her kid Chloe was right there in the middle. Chloe and her red mop all kinky curly, a splash of freckles. Sometimes she’d run to me, wanting me to pick her up.
“Higher Daddy Mike!HIGHER!” she’d squeal. She was the bee’s knees.
Then there was Nora with her black sexy mane and green eyes, her awesome body and great laugh, we made a beautiful family.
It was like a real family, not that screwed up excuse of a childhood I lived. We ate dinner together and talked. I loved it when we played Hide-and-seek out in the yard after supper. Chloe would sneak around the shed giggling. It was her only hiding spot. Then she’d run screaming and laughing up to the porch when we’d “looked all over” for her. We spent those nights loving summer and each other. I hoped her laugh would never end. It made ME laugh. Nora would look at me with those smiling eyes full of…adoration? I knew I’d be getting the love part later after cookies and bedtime.
Lord! That woman could rock my world. Her body was strong. She could flip me over when we did it like a pro wrestler and I’d just give in. She simply wore me out…in a good way. I loved the curve of her back right above her ass. I craved the taste of her body, the smell of her skin. When she whispered my name? Begged me? Oh man. It sent me to the brink. God! That woman loved hard. But she was hard to love. Having been ditched by Chloe’s daddy or maybe he went to prison, she loved me as much as she could, but she loved Chloe more. I was an outsider. I worked hard to change that and give her all she wanted. I wanted to be enough.
So I was busting my hump day and night, working like a dog. I pulled doubles at least twice a week, making my way up the line. I’d have been up for promotion to head lineman in the fall. I never saw the lay-off coming. My stupid boss never even hinted at it. If he had, I would have been able to find something else; sooner. Things could have been different.
So I lost my job. We had no money coming in. I was pretty cool with it at first. I knew I was smart. Not smart like Nora but I thought I could find SOMETHING to do to bring in money. Nora didn’t want to work. She wanted to be home for Chloe.
I began to panic about three months in. Having to file for unemployment was a nauseating disatster. I had to sit in those bent up cheap chairs for hours with a bunch of losers who didn’t even WANT a job. It was demeaning. THEN I’d come home and she’d start.
“Did you find anything?”
“No.”
“Did you even look?” and she’d give me that smile.
I wanted to punch it off her face. Who did she think she was? I was at least TRYING. She sat all day with that little brat who was always hanging on me, whining, and they BOTH seemed to always NEED something, money. Gimme gimme GIMME. Well, I was running out of stuff to give. Then on Tuesday, it fell apart.
“I want to go out for dinner.” The carpet crawler whines. “Let’s have pizza”
“No.” I said flatly. Nora wanted a man in the house? I needed to act like one.
“Mike. Don’t be so sharp with Chloe. What’s a little pizza?”
“Don’t be a doormat. We don’t have the money.”I was pissed. You can’t get blood from a stone.
Chloe pitched a fit. That kid’s tantrum shook my brain. I gritted my teeth; tried to ignore it. But she wouldn’t shut up. I couldn’t think with all that screeching, so it just happened. I slapped her, hard. There was a long angry red mark from my hand. We all gasped. Nora grabbed my wrist.
“Don’t you EVER!” she hissed. Her grip was like a vice. She swung at my face with her other hand but I caught it , shoving her against the wall. Her head bounced off the picture we took at Christmas time. We were all smiling there. Not now.
“Shut UP!” I yelled. I turned to the snotty troll at my feet. “STOP it right now!” the kid was reduced to hiccups and sobs. Nora wrenched free,scooped up Chloe and hustled to the back bedroom. She slammed the door.
“Nice.” I remember thinking as I flopped into the chair. I cracked the first of a dozen beers. Thank God I’d had the money for that. They were bitter but comforting; all of them. As I sat there with my little friends, I began to think: I didn’t want to be a daddy. The kid wasn’t even mine. And Nora? Well, she was great in the sack, but she was too high maintenance. She was playing keep up with the Joneses. And quite frankly? I was a Danfield. I worked all those hours; for what? For Chloe’s Christmas dress? For some pictures on the wall? I had stayed late so I could pour money like a fountain for them to get their nails done? Did I get any understanding? Any thank-you’s? Nope not one. I put money into this house, their food, their clothes, keeping them comfortable and dry. I paid for everything. I wanted something, some money just for myself. It was very clear to me then what I had to do to get that money back.
I stomped into the kitchen. There were Nora’s expensive knives she just HAD to have. I pulled one out; rushed the steps. I threw open the door to our bedroom finding Nora asleep in her t-shirt and panties. There was a time when I’d have thanked the Lord above for sending me that angel. Now I wondered what kind of Hell I’d been coaxed into. All the things I’d given up; opportunities missed, surged through me like hot lava. I jumped on top of her and began swinging. She only yelped once. She scratched and clawed like we were having sex, but it wasn’t loving or passionate in any way. She hurt me. I just hurt her more. She grunted and writhed under me. I pushed and kept stabbing. The air was hot, stinging my nose with the thick stench of salt and metal.
“Daddy Mike?” her voice was small and uncertain…but still whiny. I felt my jaws grind together. My blood boiled with hate.
I turned never thinking what I must have looked like covered in her mommy’s blood. Her eyes flew wide with terror and she screeched. I lunged at her, missed and cracked my head on the dresser. She zipped down the steps and out the back door. I had to catch her or I’d lose the insurance money.
Night held its breath when I burst through the open slider. The trees stood silent;scornful while the stars blinked in the clouds shocked and saddened by my actions. I smiled, heading for the shed. It was her only hiding place. I could hear her frightened tiny breaths. I could almost feel her shaking from the cold and horror. I went round the back, plucking her from her hidey hole next to the wagon. It rumbled away from me scared and rusted. Chloe was too frightened to scream. She went limp and wet herself. Dumb kid. I carried her up the stairs. Reaching her momma she sprung to life kicking and squealing. It infuriated me so I flung her like a doll at the headboard. She thunked against it and sank onto her mother, motionless.
I went back out to get the gas can for the mower. I just wanted to finish. My arms ached as I tore out the detectors Nora insisted I install. I washed quickly, put on clean clothes and at last, grabbed the lighter. The flames jumped up, eating my house, our dreams. It devoured my disappointments and shortcomings. I would start fresh but without Nora and the kid. The smoke began to dance around searching the house like a blood hound. I inhaled deeply, feeling the pangs of remorse and guilt. I left not wanting to be consumed like my family in the flames.
“Mike.” The chub-meister said as he re-entered the room. “We have some evidence that puts you there.”
“Duh. It was my house. You got nothing. ” Not too smart for a cop. Now it was my turn to give that tight smile.
“Mike—“he sighed. “Let’s go Buddy.” Standing to escort me to my new private palace.
As we walked down the hall, we passed through a group of firemen and a couple EMT’s standing in a circle. They glowered as we pushed through, lining up protectively along the right side of the corridor next to a bench.
I almost missed it: the tiny burned shoe, the scratched raw leg. Little Chloe sat on that bench, wrapped in a blanket holding a cup of something warm. I whirled on Baldy
“I only wanted to have something for myself for once. Do something for me. All mine.” I whined. Now I sounded as pathetic as that kid.
He cocked his head and gave me a shove. “Not now.”
Thanks for visiting. I enjoy it when you do.
