I'd give anything to take it away. I'd do anything not to have to tell her. I'm being childish but I simply don't want to do it. I don't want to have to tell my daughter that one of the horses at the barn has died.
My daughter is like me (I know, go figure) in that animals are her love. We both enjoy studying, learning, experiencing them on all levels...most favorite being the hands on. This horse was young and seemingly healthy. She did not die in pain, she simply laid down and went to sleep. This is not going to be any easier for my daughter.
I waited as long as I could. It was made more difficult by the fact that she had a great day. She played hard, had fun, talked to school friends...all that really great stuff. Then I had to go and pee on it.
She stood very still and let the words wrap around her. She nodded giving me understanding and recognition of the gravity held in those ugly phrases. She even tossed out a small smile and a blurb of wisdom
"Life is a gift, even for animals."
I stood still watching her; ready to catch her when she fell. She slowly, quietly made her way to my office. She brought up pictures of her fallen friend and softly cried. I let her go for a moment but did eventually sit on the sofa next to her.
"Honey.."
"Mom? Don't. It's not fair and it hurts so bad I'm lost."
"I'm sorry you hurt."
"Can I sit with you ?"
I sat back and my giraffe of a daughter curled up on my lap in a tiny ball and began to cry; really cry. I rubbed her back and soothed her as best I could. I remember losing my favorite pets at this age. It was devastating. Imagining myself as a kind of Dr. Doolittle; being able to communicate or perceive their feelings...they had become my confidants, my best and safest pals. She was the same. My daughter was heartbroken. Now I was the one lost. Nothing makes you feel smaller than not being able to help your child...
"I'll miss her Mom."
"I know Baby."
"It's too soon."
"Sweet, you're not the one who gets to decide that. God is."
"Well, he should have told me, given me a heads up."
"It doesn't work that way. Believe me Baby, I wish it did."
And we sat rocking back and forth. Her tears became warm puddles on my shirt.
Ben came in with his hockey stick.
"What's going on?"
"Nothing." his sister sniffed flatly.
"Who died?"
This sent a new river of salty memories down my blouse.
We explained the situation. He knew he should be upset but wasn't certain just HOW upset.
"So if we don't have horseback riding lessons, can we go to the driving range?"
"Yes we do have lessons."
"On what?"
"A HORSE BEN! A STUPID HORSE" Maddie had no patience for him right now.
"Yeah, well, not THAT horse." flipping his stick around he galloped away. I shut my eyes and waited for it.
She snorted and softly smiled. "He's retarded."
"Yes, sometimes. But funny."
"To WATCH. What a boob." but I saw the clearing. She was coming around. Or maybe she just wanted another chance to smash his privates in a game of street lacrosse...he WAS without a cup....
"He made you laugh Sissy." I pointed out.
"He always does. He's a gift too. A retarded gift but a gift."
Ahhhh sibling love. Easily described.
"I'm still sad Mom." she swiping her nose on my sleeve. Precious. Truly.
"I know" I tried not to wince at the warm gooey feeling seeping through the cloth.
"But I'll be outside. I'll take my mind off her with the guys."
I let her trot away, glad that this was only a moment for her. She was already on to "Better days".
May you have the same.
