When she was tiny I remember the leap my heart took when she rolled over and THEN rolled back. All on her own. I was proud but afraid. She could smother.
Then there was the day when she sat her itsy bitsy rocking chair, stood up and took her first steps. Oh my heart soared. I smiled and tears filled my eyes. What a big girl! But what if she falls?
When she got on the bus and left me at the corner, my heart sank. I was afraid she might not make friends. What if she struggled in school? All of these things were silly of course. She did just fine without me.
Then yesterday, I watched as my ten year old saddled her horse, popped up on top and rode off. The horse is beautiful; a paint (which means it is white and brown spotted with ice blue eyes) His name is Bo. He can be stubborn and lazy but he is always gentle. My daughter is learning control and confidence and how to cantor (shy of gallop). He is learning her personality as well. I stared as they walked their course but before I knew it they came around the corner and Bo took off. He lowered his head which could cause Maddie to lean forward and fall off. If he stopped, she would not. My eyes became the size of softballs as she began to bounce out of the saddle. She was losing center, her legs were not tight enough around this animal to hold herself on. I began to run across the field. Tears streaming down my cheeks, I envisioned twisted arms or cracked legs and really....much much worse. My legs were wobbly and my breath was staggered. "no. no.no.no oh nonono....."It's all just rushing from my mouth like a freight train but I'm barely aware that I'm speaking. I am running full tilt for the fence as is her teacher. I regret. I'm afraid. I have made a mistake. My daughter is going to get hurt. My mouth feels like it is stuffed with toilet paper. My heart leaped into my throat.
Just when my mind shows me her twisted body hitting the ground and broadcasts the sounds of breaking bones and simple cries, she sits up. She pulls back on the reigns. The horse slows and does what he is supposed to. He stops. She turns to me with those dimples full of pride, excitement and joy. Pure JOY.
"WOOOOOOOO!" she yells up to the sun as it begins to go to bed Her arms stretch up to try and catch it. "Mommy! Did you SEE me? Did you see what I DID?"
Whew! I think to myself. I try to catch my breath, literally. I raise my hands to my mouth and gasp. The tears that sneak out look like they came from the smile I squeezed from my cheeks. Looking at her she appears ten feet tall up on that mammoth animal. "You are amazing Baby girl." I think.
My heart leaped with love and pride and fear and all of those emotions scratched at my chest, tickled my throat and squeaked out in just a few words: "Way to go. I love you."
Thanks for visiting. Until next time, be safe and be happy. It's all up to you.
