My husband stopped doing it LONG ago. Most of my friends know better. They politely decline and laugh nervously. It is common knowledge: Don't take Tess to see a scary movie. The last time my husband willingly participated was the midnight showing of "The Blair Witch Project". I slept with the lights on for two nights and THAT was after being reduced to terrified tears in the privacy of our car in the parking lot. My imagination is just too feral. Most of the time I can close my eyes and the worst is over. It simply gets loud: screaming, wood shop tools all revved up but to hear a cagey whisper, an off-key music box that plays unUSually slow or worse silence? I come unglued. Why? My mind fills in allllllll those creepy little empty spaces with dangerous, horrifying possibilities and worse yet, it plops me right smack dab in the middle of it as if to challenge "Yeah? What would YOU do?" So when my girlfriend said "Let's get a scary movie and watch it after dinner." I said heck yeah and tottled off to get one. Nothing says "fun time" like peeing your pants from fear.
It started simply enough. We all cozied up on the couch. There were quite a few jokes at my expense. But I've earned every single one. The movie got under way and I wiggled down further into the cushions. My hubby said there was a noticeable "dip" where I SHOULD have been but he couldn't really see me because of the blanket and pillows and all my scooching to get as close to my girlfriend as possible. She frumped and promised to sock me if I grabbed her. I felt the floor touch my butt. I thought I was safe. I was wrong. I had picked a movie "based" on true events. Initially, there were a few "gotcha" moments: a branch scratching at the window; typical stuff. But then? My train went off the track.
I had to hear the rustle of the trees, the dragging of the "monsters' " feet, the clanking of a swing chain against its metal stand; the flat dead voices of the bad guys as they muttered their trecherous intentions to the rest of the cast and to us. There was minimal background music I truly lacked any hints as to when it was going to go horribly awry. I squished down even farther. I think I got rug burn. I jammed my fingers in my ears. Hear no evil. But my eyes boinked open and were assaulted by haunting images; silent movements as the "monsters" moved on and off screen. Ohhhhhh I was in agony! "Let's get this OVER with! Stop toying with me! Just DO it." I shouted inside my head. That space betweent my shoulder blades was weak and itchy way down deep: the ultimate case of the Willies. My hair felt tight on my scalp. My toes bunched up. I kept swallowing; presumably to keep my heart from flying out. My eyes couldn't open any wider. My mouth was dry; I couldn't have screamed if I'd have tried...or so I thought. My fingers wove in and out of each other over my trembling lips and just in time, I caught the scream as the movie jumped, skipped and tramped all over my mental frailty. And everyone on the couch jumped...but most of it was in reaction to me. I got swatted. "STOP it!" and everyone laughed; but me.
There was a scene on a front porch. It was simple knocking and a quick exchange of words. But it sent me over the edge. I closed my eyes. See no evil. Rest assured it failed. I closed them tighter and THEN stuck my fingers in my ears. My pulse pounded as my girlfriend patted my leg. "Want me to get you a beer Tess?" No response. I couldn't. My nerves were raw. There was a tiny whimper that she took for a "no." I wanted off this ride, but I knew, I KNEW that if I got up; stopped the movie or ran screaming into the night, I would never hear the end of it...from them or my own ego. I endured. I fidgeted and wiggled. My girlfriend and the boys laughed at me. "Want dessert?" I think someone asked but I shook my head with abandon, drowning in the overload of my senses. Oh this was worse than being measured for my first prom gown. The torture! But then? The coup-de-gras; the reveal. When it came time to sum it ALLL up. Why had this happened? How could they have done this? It was simple: "Because you were home."
I almost passed out. The floor tilted a little. Everyone rocked back and sighed. "Ha Ha! That was fun! YOU were hilarious!" I was stuck inside the couch. After much pulling and the discovery of a mysterious remote to a TV we don't have anymore, I made a jab of my own. The house was dark. The kids were asleep. The wind howled outside.
"You know what, guys? The front door is unlocked." I whispered.
There was a nervous laugh as we all walk-ran to check the door. What I'd said was true.
Speak no evil.
