I was taking a nap around 10:30 that fateful morning. I awoke to the sound of knuckles cracking in my plump "mommy belly". There was a pinch that made me shift to get comfortable and WHOOSH! My water broke. I called my husband and panted that he was needed. Then I called him back and asked him to buy a Burger King Cheeseburger and fries on the way. He began to refuse but I growled, snapped and whooped with a contraction. With a quick "I love you..." he sailed home. I ate my burger (NOT what you're supposed to do when in labor) and my girlfriend called. I told her I was in labor through mouthfuls of melted cheese.
"I don't think...." she began, but I snarled and took another bite. Twenty-six hours later, I had a daughter. She screamed like a siren ALL the way home from the hospital. I panicked and cried and nursed until I'd forgotten my name. I remember I had to pull over once in an abandoned parking lot to feed her. I left restaurants rosy-cheeked because of a tantrum or meltdown. I never thought I'd sleep again. On her birthday, I blew out her candle and we all clapped. She cried.
What had I done?
I struggled with her tantrums. I fought with her at meals. She threw green beans at my brand new drapes and ate my lipsticks. She grabbed my curling iron and burned herself. She fell down and bumped her head before her first big photo shoot. SHE STUCK HER TONGUE OUT AT ME! She followed me EVERYWHERE. I couldn't even go to the bathroom alone. She ran off with my shoes and hid my keys. She unwrapped toilet paper, paper towels and ate dirt. "No!" was her favorite word as she toddled off to hide after doing something naughty. I always found her because of her giggle. I played blocks, Barbies and colored until my brain felt mushy inside. She learned to laugh. My heart glowed...but she never listened to me! I said the same things over and over and over. On her birthday, she puffed out her little candles in mini breaths as fast as she could to lick off the icing. We all clapped.
What the devil was I doing?
She went to school and made friends. She began to ask for nail polish and make up. She stopped playing with her dolls so often. She constantly asked me to take her to her friends' houses for play dates and sleep overs. She told them secrets. On her birthday, she smiled and blew out the candles on her cake and licked off the icing. We all clapped.
I missed my playmate and denied my jealousy of eight year olds.
She wears a bra and learns dance moves. She can stay up all night. There is always a gaggle of giggly painted up young ladies watching movies about boys who hold hands or a first kiss. She doesn't believe in the tooth fairy and I'm taking her to get her ears pierced. She asks me how my day was and we talk. She asks about boys sometimes. She wonders why some girls are mean. She's cried because a friend hurt her. She's had to make some tough decisions. I'm glad she made the right ones...all on her own. She may not have listened, but she heard me at some point. On her birthday, she blew out her candles in one controlled breath after thinking long and hard about that wish. They all clapped. I cried.
Where did it go? Where is my little girl? What happened to my baby? Bring her back. I think I missed something. I want to do some things differently. I think I've got it now. I knew this was coming, but no one told me it would be so soon. I stand and stare in amazement at this little wonder becoming a young lady; so beautiful and strong willed. She's fearless and loving. She's smart and funny. She's my daughter and on Tuesday she turned ten. I hurt inside but it's a good hurt. Those aren't tears of disappointment but joy. For all the things I want her to know, she's taught me so much more. I'm thankful for everything she does, gives and brings to me. I couldn't be who I am without her. She is one of my favorite gifts.
I love you Maddie Grace and am so proud of who you are and what you can be that my heart is about ready to burst. Happy Birthday, Baby girl.
Always,
Mommy
