I haven't been sleeping well. It's been weighing heavily on my mind and thrown it into a dark overdrive. The nightmares have been vivid and unshakable. I've been dreading it now as much as I did when I was in fourth grade: my trip to the dentist.
Most of you know and we have laughed about this. But then it wasn't funny. The dental carnage of my youth has left an indelible mark in my mind with regards to pain, agony, and lies. "This won't hurt." or "It won't take long." and the dreaded "Be strong" flood my brain with images and feelings that, if I actually wrote them down, you'd puke. Sorry. It is nothing short of gory and sick. But I've lived it and my mind unfortunately remembers it.. in horrible detail about every six months. So I've been up and frightened for the last three nights. The dreaded day was today.
I plopped down into the chair, closed my eyes and gripped the arms until my knuckles bleached. This is my standard position. I do not speak or chit chat. I wait while they shove sharp things in my mouth like something deranged from "Hell Raiser". I try to mentally find my happy place as that scraping sound: metal on bone scratches at my grey matter making my eyes itch and water. "Rinse and spit" always conjures up something violent and wretched that goes WAY beyond the whiff of mint and powder blue liquid swirling joyfully down that mini-toilet bowl. Nope. I never look because I envision a different color and consistency all together.
They tell me that they have to drill. I have a filling that is crumbling. They pick at it, pull at it and although it causes a sting deep in my jaw, I say nothing. I've learned what that brings you.
"We should refill that." I hear from a voice near the light that is burning my retinas.
"Ihhh duhunt hut" (it doesn't hurt)I say over the suckie tube but no one is listening to me.
"Get me the number 6" comes a soft voice.
"6?"
"yes. We'll need to get it all"
There is a concerned sigh and movement around the light. I hear clinking and smell disinfectant. My teeth feel weak and rubbery. My ears tingle and I begin to swallow incessantly.
"Peas doh" (please don't) I say over the tube.
"We have to. It will continue to decay and then we'll have to pull it out."
"puh eeh ow gow. say tie" (pull it out now, save time) I beg. I hear a sympathetic cluck and the unmistakable smooch as a rubber soled shoe steps on drill accelerator pad like NASCAR.
RIIIIIEEEERRRRRR
I begin to sweat and out of shear terror sit up trying to take off my half-ply paper bibby thing with the chain around my neck.
"No."
"Sit back."
"NO. " I begin to wiggle to the bottom of the chair. One way or another, I'm gettin outta here.
"Sit back. this won't hurt."
RIIIIIEEERRRR
"uh-uh. Nope. I'll reschedule. I have business meetings." I wipe my mouth and suck air through my teeth.
Now it is the faceless one's turn.
"Sit down. Lie back. If it hurts, squeeze her hand (a hand is placed in mine. I think it's warm. I am lulled long enough for them to slip my legs back into the chair) and I will numb you right up. It won't take long."
RIIIIIEEEERRRRRRR
I close my eyes. It begins. The grinding and spatter. Cold bits hit my face, my teeth are hot and the pain is felt all the way to my sternum. I am attempting to break this *itch's hand because my mouth is full and I cannot scream. Tears are streaking down my cheeks in record number. My feet have twisted ALL the way around like Linda Blair's head in the Exorcist. It feels as if they are pulling the threads from my socks out of my tooth. There is no more light, only prickly darkness and stars of pain. I fall away and give in. I hope they are right. I hope it won't take long.
I open my eyes. I hear music. Are there cherubs here to say they are sorry I died in the dentist's office? Is this Heaven? There is grey all around me. I see my bed, my bookshelves, my dogs. I hear Winston and my husband snoring. It is 4am.
I must wait another five hours. I sigh, wipe the tears and roll over. Winston sleepy walks up the bed and snuggles with me for what I hope is not the last time. I know I will not sleep again, give up and come downstairs to begin my ritual: writing.
At a more decent hour, I get the kids up and begin my day. There is a sense of deja-vous as I drive to the office. My hygienist is there. We don't speak as we enter the chamber. She straps me in and begins to shove sharp metal things in my face. I begin to feel weak and start to shake. I want to find an escapre route.
"Hmmmm. I'm watching that filling in the back....it seems to be coming off"
"Ihhh duhunt hut." I say over the suckie tube. Oh God no....
"Good. We'll let it go for now. Let me get Doc in here right away. If that other one sees you she'll want to drill."
There were tears and I held her hand but it was of a different magnitude completely. She was my angel this morning. Thank you my dear. I told you I'd have to write it out. I hope you laughed as much as I did...much later of course. MUCH LATER.
Have a great day.
Thank you for coming over. I'm glad we got to visit.
