Alright, no horsing around today. I mean business and I'm typing as fast as I can in order to keep all this fresh in my mind and not go ballistic on my PRECIOUS little "gnomes"
FIRST: All I wanted was to go to the bathroom. Simple enough. I hear people do it every day all alone. Not so in my house. The minute my mommy feet hit that tile (in any one of my bathrooms by the way), I am inundated with "Mom?.... followed by a mundane question that could have waited. Add in two dogs who seem to be fascinated with my panties in any state of wear or any location be it the floor or at my ankles, I have an entourage at all times. Take THAT Jeremy Piven. (although he IS a hottie even if he does glow from sushi toxins. Poooooor baby. Shoulda gone to Long John's if ya like fish.) Today I was asked if my son would receive a sticker or a tattoo (for "doing" his chores.....ehhhhhhh WRONG. NOPE.) Why? Because you didn't "DO" anything. Your laundry is here, your homework is over ....just wait a minute Benjamin . PLEASE? My daughter wanted to know if I want any graham crackers and icing. Gee Honey, I'd have to say that I'm sizing up the Charmin right now....maybe later? Thaaaaanks.
SECOND: I needed help. I needed to get the laundry done( in which I have made $2.00 in change, found an entire set of mini Sharpie markers that have SOMEHOW survived the wash UNOPENED) get the house cleaned, packing (for four and two dogs) dishes, and let's not forget reservations, birthday gifts and other miscellaneous what not. BUT I was speaking in that ever-hard to comprehend language: MOTHER. No one hears it, no one understands it (except other mothers) and EVERYONE ignores it.
"Please put the dishes away" does NOT in any way interpret to "Play your DS and wipe Dorito shmutz on my white couch"
"I need you to pack your lunch" does NOT mean "Go outside and play with every toy/stick/ club/ game/ ball/ skate and ramp we own and leave it in the grass and strewn throughout the neighborhood"
"Dinner's READY" NEVER doubles for "Cookies anyone? Sure bring your friends. I like it."
THIRD *(and we know the rule about THREES in my house right? RIIIIIIIIGHT)
WHO and I really want to know WHO thought it would be okay with me if you did your homework OUTSIDE in hurricane force winds and LEAVE IT THERE? HUH? HUH? Stop laughing. It was NO FUN to have to chase spelling lists, history notes, index cards for book reports ...any of that crap through my yard, garden and you got it, back creek.
>pant pant< Oh no you don't. I'm not done yet. Can't you hear the clicking as I type? Angry typing...ANGRY!
The friggin dogs pulled the kids' backpacks apart and although NO ONE seems to know why...(I'm SURE it had nothing to do with the gum, rubber erasers, pencils and snack bags you've left in there for the last three weeks ...OHHHHH lookie here-an apple. Or is it a shrunken head? I swear I'm leanin toward the latter.) And now it's all over my carpet chewed up into bite sized chunks. Let's get the vacuum out again shall we? I love the sound of it vroooming across my rug. Truly.
I just peeled my favorite little pig off the stove. Yes stove. He and his sister pushed the friggin kitchen chair over to the counter and got up to survey the goods. I can't decide which body to stuff first or where they will be displayed. The mantle?
I caught my son peeing out in the woods. Not necessarily a bad thing unless you consider that there are three houses with a clear view of the same woods. Way to go, Boo. Nothin like flashin your light saber to ALL the Jedi! I see the force is with you.
My daughter has been crying since 3pm because her "boy friend" is mad at her. Now after four phone calls, several LOOOOOONG messages, they are completely and utterly back in "twove" (= tween love...it's a "mother" thang)
Let's see....Oh yes and then there is dinner. We are having leftovers. LEFTOVERS. I have six different dishes and we are having leftovers. NOT MCDONALD'S. NOT FIVE GUYS. NOT PIZZA. STOP ASKING. It's not funny. Say it with me, I'll go slow:
LEFT -FRICKIN -OVERS.
That's it! No one is going anywhere until they are forty! You have more than enough to do until then and I sugGEST you get busy and do it. Because if I have to ask you one more time.....
Whew! I need to catch my breath. That being said:
I love my kids I love my kids I love my kids I love my kids I love my kids I love my kids.
And NOW that's it.
Have a day. I just did.
No worries. It will all be better tomorrow....right after I up my dose. Nice and smooooooth.
