You all know I hate to grocery shop. It would stand to reason that I despise Black Friday with an equal or greater passion. I should have stayed home and listened to the sirens feeling glad I wasn't involved. I don't know why I did it. I was a fool.
Apparently no driving or parking laws that were/are in effect prior to this day need to be heeded at any time on Black Friday. This means: you may turn right from the left lane without your blinker and stick your middle finger in the air when people become aggitated with your behaviour. FABULOUS. You may steal parking spaces from those who have waited patiently with their blinker on and stick your middle finger in the air when they get mad and honk at you. It is also okay to let your buggy fly into an unsuspecting parked car when you are finished with it and stick your middle finger in the air...for no reason. Stop signs and redlights are mere suggestions.
I don't know HOW I made it into the store without a Kevlar vest and tear gas. My taser does not work anymore...I overused it at the grocery store trying to get my free bird. Dammit.
I look at the people; the masses of people. I am sweating already. The hum of credit card machines sounds eerily like "Silver Bells". I watch the register scouts; those who survey the lines and guide shoppers to the shortest one. There is "stuff" everywhere. Sale tags and specials assault my coat and snag my purse. I almost knocked over two different displays.
It is primitive and so are the shoppers. We have the Brontosaurus that has no list and is just meadering down the middle of the aisle looking; browsing. Sometimes they pick things up and study them intently, but you can't get around or away from them for they are hard of hearing and fail to react when you clear your throat or say excuse me. You must be careful though, when you've had enough and go to step around their buggy, they look up startled and either race you to the end of the aisle or they growl, hovering protectively over their loot.
There are also the little Raptors. They are a nuisance and vicious little buggers. There are usually five or six of them rushing about; darting in and out of rows. They knock over boxes and immensly enjoy setting off each and every toy that has a battery. Their call seems to be "I'mmmmm hungryyyy" or "Can we goooooo yet? I'm TIRED" Often times they smell like Doritos or cookies. Be wary. They are quick and very distructive.
And then there is the Mammoth. They lumber along stuffing their cart. They are going to be finished for the next three Christmases by the end of the day. They buy two or three of almost everything. Their buggy is too heavy to turn and the sticky wheel isn't helping. It has somehow come to resemble something from Mad Maxx ....there are things sticking out at odd angles and they have had to bribe a Raptor to eat Doritos on top of the pile to hold it all in.
Then there is the most feared; most dreaded of them all: T-Rex. This is the most shrewd,quick and cruel hunter of them all. They WILL bite you if you have what they want. They will take it. They growl and snap if you approach them. Their tiny little claws snatch and scratch at the sale tables. They elbow and shove to get up front and are MASTERS when it comes to cutting people off with their buggies. True masters.
I noticed as I stood in my line that one exceptionally nasty Rex snuck into an express lane and quickly began to unload. A raptor saw this and announced to several nearby Mammoths that T-Rex was in the express lane. WELL! There is strength in numbers. The Mammoths all wobbled over and began to berrate Rex. They shook their trunks and scolded. There was loud trumpeting and snarling. They even took things off the register belt to slam them into Rex's buggy. Terradactals circled and cawed in warning. Tensions ran high as the others watched, irritated and wary. Rex snapped but couldn't shake off the assault. She was shamefully banished to the end of the longest line. Order was restored. I handed over my credit card to join in the chorus of "Silver Bells" and marched out.
As I pulled out, I saw Rex and a Mammoth still bickering and clawing. There were a lot of middle fingers.
Welcome to the holiday season.
